Friday, March 20, 2009

Abusive Relationships

Lately, the story/saga of Chris Brown and Rihana abounded the People press: a glamorous couple, a fight whereby Chris hit Rihana, a police report, a picture of injured Rihana leaked to the press, a highly publicized break-up, and an even more publicized reconciliation. This story has fueled a lot gossip but also a wave of awareness campaigns on abusive relationships: What are the warning signs of abusive relationships, how to help the victim, etc. Abuse is not only physical; it also can be emotional or verbal. It is apparently known that abuse typically starts during teenage years. Emotional abuse is malicious and teens who become involved in abusive relationships may be entering a cycle of violence that can continue into adulthood. What teens learn about respect and how to treat/be treated by others will affect the choices they make in future relationships.

I know that the human psyche is quite complicated; that such situations are hard to analyze, but I can’t help but wonder what keeps a person - that apparently has it all - going back to an abusive partner? Some would say that the victim has “no personality”, “is weak”. But beyond any judgmental opinion, what can drive a woman to return to an abusive relationship?


nathalie said...

it boils down to weakness and no personality when it comes to personal life
you can have a personality and be strong in your professional life but be very weak and with no personality in your personal life
I think you are a good example
I am assuming you are successful professionally

Maya said...

I was not sure I wanted to answer you on this one. But to be honest, your agressivity fascinates me. Either you know me and you hate me. or you dont know me but I remind you of someone you hate. It is true that this blog is meant for me to vent off the things that hurt me, that are on my mind. So, agreed, you can have a tiny little glimpse into my psyche. But from there to using every title to draw conclusions about me... it can not be only psychology. You do have a grudge. As for the post, I was pretty sure you were going to react that way, and this is why i said "beyong any judgemental opinion". In modern psychology, there is nothing called "weak" or "no personnalty". There is "guilt", "fear of confrontation", "co-dependance" and "manipulative personnalities". I can feel you dealt with a person that has one or many of these features. If you are an assertive person, I am sure dealing with that kind of individuals is very painful, because if you did not go through what they went through, you can not understand. You see them as a "weak" individual, that, in addition to making themselves appear like the victim, are hurting you bad along the way. My advice to you is to turn your back. Because you appear to be knowing what you want, and because you are becoming bitter, save yourself and turn your back on those individuals that inadvertantly poison your life.

nathalie said...

thank you for the advice. completely useless! cause I am not in such situations nor I experienced such situations

what I called weak or no personality, you called something else with multiple names or combinations of names
it doesn't matter cause it is the same story, be it called this or that
if you prefer manipulative personality rather than weak or no personality... oh well... great... what difference does it make??

you lost sight of your subject "abusive relationships"
the answer you gave is that these people have disorders, regardless if you name them like me or other names... and you seem one of them
that is all I said!!!
and that is not aggressive at all cause your blogs confirm it
no I don't know you nor hate you nor I dealt with people like this before
It is an opinion based on your blogs... and I am right it seems

Liliane said...

thinking that she can change him, because after treating her the way he did, if she changes him, she'll feel that she did not fail and is not a failure...
that's my opinion...

Maya said...

Liliane, I am sure its one reason... I would say another is that the abuser puts himself as a victim, blaming things on her. So she believes this and feels guilty about her behavior. Abusers tend to have a manipulative personality. and the abused is receptive, for whatever reason.

In any case, abuse seems to have very painful effects on some women:

"Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

1- distrust of her spontaneity
2- loss of enthusiasm
3- An uncertainty about how she is coming across
4- concern that something is wrong with her
5- An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
6- loss of self-confidence
7- growing self-doubt
8- An internalized critical voice
9- A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be
10- An anxiety or fear of being crazy
11- A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something
12- A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. “too sensitive,” etc.
13- A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
14- A reluctance to come to conclusions
15- tendency to live in the future, e.g. “Everything will be great when/after …”
16- A desire to escape or run away
17- A distrust of future relationships"

You can imagine the effects of such experience on future relationships...